So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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