This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
