It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i love accidental penises.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
