Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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