so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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