my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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