I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
