I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
