fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
