im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
When are your genitals available?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
