Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
