Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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