Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
