I think I died a long time ago.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
