the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
