you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
