my phone needs a breathalizer
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
