I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I deserve to be covered in dicks
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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