I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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