The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
