You smell like a Billy Joel song
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
