she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
