So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
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God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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