Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
