I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
