I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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