booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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