Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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