So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
