I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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