I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
