doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
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If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
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I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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