Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
