the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
