It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i think my cat just said my name.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
