i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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