You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
