All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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