Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I need moral support for this bender
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
