Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
