he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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