i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
