We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
