everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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