I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
