First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
