On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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