Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
