it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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