so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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