I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
