Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
