WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
