You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need moral support for this bender
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
