I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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