Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
